To remove the memory
Female (she/her),18, Bisexual, USA 'Her Highness'
I want you to promise me something. And I don’t care if you don’t know me, like me, or like making promises in general. Just do it.
Promise me that you will keep on living, even when everything is futile.
I want you to forgive yourself for the things that you’ve done. I want you to forgive yourself for the things that you should have done. Forgive yourself, even when you don’t think you deserve it.
I want you to love yourself for all that you are and all that you are not. I want you to love yourself, even if no one else does. You do not need the validation from another human being in order to know your worth. You do not need others to love you in order to show you that you are worth loving. The love that you develop for yourself is more than enough. Love yourself enough to stand on your own, without depending on the love of anyone else.
So stop injecting drugs to avoid reality. Stop with the pills and the cutting. Stop with the thoughts on jumping off a building and hanging yourself. Stop hating yourself and regretting about the past. Stop with the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘should have beens.’ And don’t you dare pull that trigger. Stop.
Stop and love yourself. It is the least you can do for you."
Unfollow the depression blogs, the suicide blogs, the pro-eating disorder blogs. The blogs with bones and wounds, the blogs with black and white. You don’t need the crash diets, the thinspo, any voice telling you you’re not good enough. Not even the one inside your head. Let go.
The beautiful things in life don’t translate to shades of black and white. Stop writing and rewriting your suicide note. Everything you plan to say to people after your death could also be said while you’re still alive. Call people up for lunch. Say it face to face. Say sorry. Say thank you. Say I love you. And live to hear it said back to you.
The word “suicide” or “depression” in your URL does not tell me who you are. Your URL does not tell me what you love to do. You are more than the sadness. You are more than the bones that you’ve wanted so badly to show. You are more than your body measurements. You are more than your scars or your wounds. You are more than your tear stained pillow cases. Your sadness should not be your identity.
Stop searching up “cutting”, “suicide”, and “depression” when you’re feeling down. Search up things that will make you feel better not worse. Search up pictures of animals, good poetry, beautiful places you can escape to someday, art, music, plants, quotes.
When the world teaches you that it’s better to be apathetic and that you should hate, tell them that you’ve hated the world and yourself for far too long now.
Let go. Reach out. Ask for help. Because it’s time to try something different now."
TO-DO LIST FOR THE DEPRESSED
1). Wash your sheets, change your pillow case, wash your blankets. Wash away all the days you’ve spent withering in bed crying. Wash the tears off your pillowcase. Wash away the sad skin cells. Wash away the darkness.
2). Take a shower today. Brush your teeth. Make yourself a good breakfast and remind yourself that you deserve to eat. Dress to impress— yourself. Do whatever makes you feel put together, even if you’re not leaving the house.
3). Water your plants and remind yourself that you love them even though they’re not growing quickly. The same should go for yourself.
4). Feed your pets and remind yourself that there will be no one to love them if you commit suicide. Know that there is no one your cat purrs louder around and there is no one your dog’s face lights up for but you.
5). Return all the things you’ve been meaning to return. Return the clothes that make you feel fat. Return the clothes that make you feel ugly. Return your sick clothes. Throw them away if you need to. Let go if you need to. Cry if you need to and remember why you kept them for so long, but know that it is okay to let them go now. Return your cynicism to the cold boy who taught you it was better to love nothing. Make him feel how warm your heart is now without him.
6). Get new curtains. Close them. Close your eyes. Open them. Pull away the curtains. Let yourself reminded that there may be things in life you can’t control, but how much light enters your room is something you can control. The same can be said for your soul. You decide how much light you let in. You decide how many people you let in. You decide how many people you let help you. You decide how you love and who you love. Let that sink in for a moment.
7). Let yourself float in water. You only drown when you panic. Lie on your back and relax. Even on days when you can’t function, remind yourself that all you have to do is float. As long as you are breathing, you are alive."
I always think of you.
And I think about that time we walked between tall grass and told each other the only three star facts we knew.
Because I was trying to be fascinating, I wanted you to think I was someone you could take a long road trip with and never get bored.
So I told you theories about the universe and instead of falling in love with each other, we fell in love with stars. We romanticized black holes and saw our futures lying in the milky way.
I think about you and that time we looked at things people outgrew.
Scarves no one wanted, pictures they forgot they took.
We spent a half hour rummaging among books. We never pictured holding these first editions in our hands. I wanted to hold your hand instead of Dracula, I wanted to feel your thumb tracing circles. But that night I settled for the rough pages and splattered ink.
And when I think of you, I remember sitting across the table from you, finding it hard to talk.
Discussing yogurt flavors instead making a conversation. And I remember walking inside the door that night, wondering why I had gone out in the first place.
Someday, I’ll hardly ever think of you. I’ll forget what color your eyes are, how calm your voice is when we argue. I won’t remember the time we snuck into movies, wasting hours on films we’d never have seen otherwise. You’ll forget that my hair smells like freshly cut roses because I always use too much shampoo. And it won’t matter that we kissed or that we spent Friday nights drunk off of songs because we will have forgotten what it was like to breathe in lyrics and breathe out our fears. And it won’t matter because someday I’ll have forgotten you. Your leftover books will no longer live in my closet and your name won’t take up space in my heart."
Annika W. “I Am the Dragon”
Was reading some of Siken’s poetry today and found so much inspiration in his words.(via pmamamysterious)